hating all the words that i have written here in the past
hating where i was then
not particularly pleased with where i am now
but that’s me. i don’t really know how to be content.
right now has to be better. i am out of another relationship that i never should have been in
most things you can chalk up to ‘glad that happened’
this relationship left scars on me that i didn’t need
they take longer to heal as i age just like the ones on my skin
it was the same old ending, me wishing both of us did less drugs and then finally leaving
coke this time, never really gave a shit about that stupid drug. never made me feel like an addict because i know what opiate addiction feels like
but fucking come on. you’re old enough to know better. so much older than you need to be to know better
nothing to pine for now.
now what i do is figure out why i partner myself up the way i do
why i have to try to fix people
why i can only love addicts
been reading a lot about children of alcoholics
and basically i’m learning that adults seek things that recreate the feelings of their childhood so that they can continue trying to solve the unresolved problems of that time
i spent a lot of my childhood trying to make things alright for everyone
i did things to preemptively ward off anger
i shone when someone noticed my efforts
and hurt really badly when no one gave a shit and was angry anyway
so i ended up in a relationship where i was constantly trying to made an angry person happy
i see. i’m starting to see.
so exhausted with thinking and feeling.
i just counted the number of pages i’ve filled in my journal since the breakup, just over 2 weeks ago
28 pages of exercise book size paper, back and front
written a fucking book on this
today is the day that i seek professional help for my depression
2 weeks before my 30th birthday
after a lifetime of sadness
i have learned everything that doesn’t work, well
self medication doesn’t work
running/moving away doesn’t work
telling yourself you are weak and to get over it doesn’t work
blaming the people in your life or your environment doesn’t work
and maybe going to the doctor won’t work either
but at least then i can add something else to this list
at least then i tried
tired of my own patterns
the sameness i create for myself
spent new years eve crying on my back
tears fall into your ears when you cry on your back, don’t do it
i am in love with someone who would probably choose drugs over me when faced with an ultimatum
and im realizing now that my last relationship ended like that as well
i might like to think that i left him for better things
but i left him after he refused to quit drugs
and he never did quit and then call me up and tell me about it
creating a feeling of worthlessness in myself
i’m tired of doing drugs you know? i’m a month away from my 30th birthday
i once smoked an ounce of weed in an enclosed room in an hour
i participated in my own version of the electric koolaid acid test and drank juice with 20 hits of acid in it
i’ve been awake for more than a week straight on stimulants
i’ve been to raves and festivals and underground parties where rainbow pills were passed around in bowls
and i’ve spent more than 5 years with a crippling opiate addiction
i’ve tried all the drugs.
what the possible fuck could i want from them still.
what could i possibly expect.
i want to be happy
i want to know that it is possible
because right now it is just a dream
and i’m not very good at holding on to the potential of dreams anymore
what do you call a dreamer who has given up on dreams
this is not a joke, i am just looking for the vacant answer.
i don’t want to give up
but if happiness is just an illusion and the drugs don’t even work anymore
i don’t know what to say. it hurts to love someone more than they love you or themselves. it hurts that they might love drugs more than you.
i’m sorry for the sadness of this post.
heartbreak is not so much drug addiction
leaving a partner
my best friend died suddenly last week
got that call. the one that comes from your mother and asks if you are at home. if you are sitting.
and now i am just kind of floating
even after the funeral wondering if it has sunk in yet
she was into being alive you know
more than most.
she wanted to do stuff, she did it
she didnt wallow
she got shit done.
i want to be better for her
but somehow all i can think about is running away
and i’ve been taking random drugs to help me sleep
over the counter shit
whatever. i just need to be able to sleep.
and that’s not even it really. i’m sad.
sadder than ive ever been
sad, and actually have something to be sad about
makes all that time i spent being sad over nothing seem pretty pathetic.
i don’t feel like being kind to myself today.
a list of things i never really needed
life is easy if you let it be
i’m not saying i know how yet
but i know what i am doing wrong at least
part of the reason i have lived my life so terribly is that i don’t love myself
it hurts me to say things like ‘i deserve good things’
'i am worthy of happiness'
i hear dark humor at best when i think these things
this attitude gets in the way of everything
when my boyfriend is upset with me it is because he thinks i don’t appreciate his love for me
that’s not it
it’s that i don’t think i deserve it, and therefore it, like anything else good, could be taken away from me at any moment
the truth is, it and all good things could.
but that’s not because i am not good enough to receive
it’s because life is sometimes like that.
so i need to practice feeling ok with myself
need to practice being my own friend
i wouldn’t bash someone else
saying they didn’t deserve happiness
or that it’s only a matter of time before the good things in their life crumble
what kind of sickness would that be.
so the very idea of saying these things to myself, well it’s a little alarming through this light.
maybe i am having a breakthrough on how to stop hating yourself
treat yourself like you treat others
haha it’s like the reverse of how healthy people think
'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'
i treat other people much better than myself
but i am going to try to stop
and i still don’t give myself an ounce of credit
still beat myself up for things i can’t change now
next monday is my one year anniversary
of actually kicking the habit
i am going to do something special for myself then
even if that is just hike with my camera and stare at the ocean until no more thoughts come to my head
that sounds like a plan.
you know if i found a bottle of pills right now on the ground i would secretly keep them and i would do them
i cannot be around those types of drugs because i still remember how good they made me feel
and how close they came to ruining my whole life
1. a boyfriend that loves you
2. family that would actually do anything for you
3. friends-2 friends that you are so blessed to have in your life, and this time last year didn’t even know
3. a light in yourself that has not yet gone out
4. a job where you are appreciated even if you don’t appreciate it
5. almost a year off life-stealing drugs
i expect so much so fast
it hasn’t been a year yet since i stopped spending every penny i had on drugs
and i spent money i didn’t even have yet
in the depths of my addiction, i took out a 12 000 bank loan and my boyfriend and i drained it to survive, in addition to my credit cards
and now i pay for that.
it is depressing.
i work 6 days a week, make enough money for someone to have a decent life and do something exciting now and then
but all the money i make goes towards these bills
i can’t see how it will ever end
i have a new boyfriend now
things are different, better in a lot of ways
he wants many of the same things i want
but i can’t even dream about that anymore
all i can do is work and pay bills
i can’t even buy myself a pair of sneakers
how could i save enough money to travel?
so i feel like a slave to the bank
i don’t know how to keep my chin up when faced with this reality
and i don’t know how to explain to my boyfriend why i am so sad so much of the time