closet case

i broke my own heart years ago

i feel like i’ve come full circle in some ways right now

the sun is out again, the windows in my house are open and air is blowing through

i am looking for a new job

and i am trying again to rid my body of some types of drug use

so it’s like when i first moved in here

some of the same feelings

i haven’t used pills since christmas

and that was only once

other than that i haven’t used pills since september.

i never could get off the pot

in fact i started smoking more pot than i ever have these past few months

which i have no guilt about

but i have a chance for a new job that will require drug testing

i’ve never been drug tested and i am scared

scared of being presented with a good opportunity and ruining it with pot of all things

so today is the first day i got up and didn’t smoke any pot

drinking lots of water trying to flush my system

but i’ll probably still need a flush kit or to borrow some clean urine from a friend

i went on a bit of a bender this past weekend

did a bunch of what i would classify as recreational drugs

and felt devastatingly sad and empty for 2 days afterwards

i don’t need that crashing comedown anymore

it hurts me too much

so now i work towards a totally clean system

nothing to lose

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.
A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.

—DH Lawrence (via thedaniellepage)

maybe i’ve just found new ways to mistreat myself

that’s kind of what i’m struggling with lately

in a new relationship, not sure that that is the best thing for me

not sure that i am well enough to dedicate so much of myself to anyone

still kind of hate myself

i don’t know how to make that go away

and unless i figure it out

how could i really expect good things for myself

i’m still off the opiates and 2 of my friends are in a 12 step program now to try to get clean

and oxys are going off the market at the end of this month in canada

things are changing

but i am really far removed from all that now

i have a different set of problems but oxycontin isn’t one of them

i try to remind myself that i quit oxys which seemed impossible just months ago so i should be able to make the other changes in my life that i want to make

but it doesn’t seem to help

small changes over time

i just don’t worry so much anymore

i mean, that is a miracle. truly. i’ve been plagued with worries for years.

i don’t feel like that now.

i have many of the same concerns about my life

but i don’t constantly hear them playing on a looped tape in my head

i don’t feel as scared of things

i don’t feel like everything is impossible

though making change still isn’t easy for me. i am in a lot of ways stuck right now.

but i guess the worries associated with drugs were really affecting me

i was never happy

i am happy now sometimes

i have some people in my life who are helping me feel happiness

i still struggle with the idea that i deserve that

but i’m working on it.

the new year

and so much has happened and changed that i can’t really imagine recounting it

but i won’t be counting my days anymore

partially because i fell off the wagon for a day over christmas

and partially because i don’t need to anymore

i feel more free from my drug problem than ever before

it feels far away

more than far away- like it has turned away from me

and started moving in the other direction

i got really lonely around christmas time

i started imagining seeing my ex boyfriend and things being better

different

imagined seeing my goldfish and the scraps of my old life and feeling complete

i imagined doing drugs again, just once to make sure i didn’t make a mistake

however i justified it, i relapsed. briefly but it happened

it happened and i planned it

but when it was done, so was i

i visited my old life for one day and it was heartbreaking

not a fucking thing had changed about that place

i realized that i had changed though

that it was no longer enough for me

that i couldn’t dream of staying

that no amount of drugs could make it all right.

and then i let that part of my life go

i could almost see it fade

i was so aware that i was experiencing closure

it was beautiful.

now i am actually moving on

whatever that means

i am no longer glamorizing the past

and i feel really lucky as of late

for no particular reason

just aware that good things happen.

When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can’t make them change if they don’t want to, just like when they do want to, you can’t stop them.

—Andy Warhol (via elige)

(Source: lovableraincloud, via by-thefireside)

I am so busy keeping my head above water that I scarcely know who I am, much less who anyone else is.

—

Sylvia Plath  (via thatprettypieceofchaos-xx)

oh sylvia. i was reading her journals a few years back and remarked to a friend that it was almost frightening how similar her train of thoughts were to my own. i found it alarming and comforting all at once. he said, “i think you should stop reading it. i was reading a biography of jeffrey dahmer once that started reminding me in some ways of myself and i thought that no good could come from finishing this.” i did stop reading the journals. i think i could handle them again now though that i think i am already hurting as much as i could hurt