closet case

i broke my own heart years ago

hating all the words that i have written here in the past

hating where i was then

not particularly pleased with where i am now

but that’s me. i don’t really know how to be content.

right now has to be better. i am out of another relationship that i never should have been in

most things you can chalk up to ‘glad that happened’

this relationship left scars on me that i didn’t need

they take longer to heal as i age just like the ones on my skin

it was the same old ending, me wishing both of us did less drugs and then finally leaving

coke this time, never really gave a shit about that stupid drug. never made me feel like an addict because i know what opiate addiction feels like

but fucking come on. you’re old enough to know better. so much older than you need to be to know better

nothing to pine for now.

now what i do is figure out why i partner myself up the way i do

why i have to try to fix people

why i can only love addicts

been reading a lot about children of alcoholics

and basically i’m learning that adults seek things that recreate the feelings of their childhood so that they can continue trying to solve the unresolved problems of that time

and yes

i spent a lot of my childhood trying to make things alright for everyone

i did things to preemptively ward off anger

i shone when someone noticed my efforts

and hurt really badly when no one gave a shit and was angry anyway

so i ended up in a relationship where i was constantly trying to made an angry person happy

i see. i’m starting to see.

so exhausted with thinking and feeling.

i just counted the number of pages i’ve filled in my journal since the breakup, just over 2 weeks ago

28 pages of exercise book size paper, back and front

written a fucking book on this

ridiculous

it ends.

a long time coming

today is the day that i seek professional help for my depression

2 weeks before my 30th birthday

after a lifetime of sadness

i have learned everything that doesn’t work, well

self medication doesn’t work

running/moving away doesn’t work

telling yourself you are weak and to get over it doesn’t work

blaming the people in your life or your environment doesn’t work

and maybe going to the doctor won’t work either

but at least then i can add something else to this list

at least then i tried

im tired

tired of my own patterns

the sameness i create for myself

spent new years eve crying on my back

tears fall into your ears when you cry on your back, don’t do it

i am in love with someone who would probably choose drugs over me when faced with an ultimatum

and im realizing now that my last relationship ended like that as well

i might like to think that i left him for better things

but i left him after he refused to quit drugs

and he never did quit and then call me up and tell me about it

creating a feeling of worthlessness in myself

i’m tired of doing drugs you know? i’m a month away from my 30th birthday

i once smoked an ounce of weed in an enclosed room in an hour

i participated in my own version of the electric koolaid acid test and drank juice with 20 hits of acid in it

i’ve been awake for more than a week straight on stimulants

i’ve been to raves and festivals and underground parties where rainbow pills were passed around in bowls

and i’ve spent more than 5 years with a crippling opiate addiction

i’ve tried all the drugs.

what the possible fuck could i want from them still.

what could i possibly expect.

i want to be happy

for real

from inside

i want to know that it is possible

because right now it is just a dream

and i’m not very good at holding on to the potential of dreams anymore

what do you call a dreamer who has given up on dreams

this is not a joke, i am just looking for the vacant answer.

i don’t want to give up

but if happiness is just an illusion and the drugs don’t even work anymore

i don’t know what to say. it hurts to love someone more than they love you or themselves. it hurts that they might love drugs more than you.

i’m sorry for the sadness of this post.

learning what heartbreak is

heartbreak is not so much drug addiction

or

leaving a partner

or

unexplained depression

my best friend died suddenly last week

got that call. the one that comes from your mother and asks if you are at home. if you are sitting.

and now i am just kind of floating

even after the funeral wondering if it has sunk in yet

she was into being alive you know

more than most.

she wanted to do stuff, she did it

she didnt wallow

she got shit done.

i want to be better for her

but somehow all i can think about is running away

and i’ve been taking random drugs to help me sleep

over the counter shit

allergy pills

cough medicine

gravol

codeine

whatever. i just need to be able to sleep.

and that’s not even it really. i’m sad.

sadder than ive ever been

sad, and actually have something to be sad about

makes all that time i spent being sad over nothing seem pretty pathetic.

i don’t feel like being kind to myself today.

a list of things i never really needed

everything

life is easy if you let it be

i’m not saying i know how yet

but i know what i am doing wrong at least

part of the reason i have lived my life so terribly is that i don’t love myself

it hurts me to say things like ‘i deserve good things’

or

'i am worthy of happiness'

i hear dark humor at best when i think these things

this attitude gets in the way of everything

when my boyfriend is upset with me it is because he thinks i don’t appreciate his love for me

that’s not it

it’s that i don’t think i deserve it, and therefore it, like anything else good, could be taken away from me at any moment

the truth is, it and all good things could.

but that’s not because i am not good enough to receive

it’s because life is sometimes like that.

so i need to practice feeling ok with myself

need to practice being my own friend

i wouldn’t bash someone else

saying they didn’t deserve happiness

or that it’s only a matter of time before the good things in their life crumble

what kind of sickness would that be.

so the very idea of saying these things to myself, well it’s a little alarming through this light.

and helpful.

maybe i am having a breakthrough on how to stop hating yourself

treat yourself like you treat others

haha it’s like the reverse of how healthy people think

'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'

i treat other people much better than myself

but i am going to try to stop

it’s almost a year

and i still don’t give myself an ounce of credit

still beat myself up for things i can’t change now

next monday is my one year anniversary

of actually kicking the habit

i am going to do something special for myself then

even if that is just hike with my camera and stare at the ocean until no more thoughts come to my head

that sounds like a plan.

you know if i found a bottle of pills right now on the ground i would secretly keep them and i would do them

i cannot be around those types of drugs because i still remember how good they made me feel

and how close they came to ruining my whole life

make a list of things you have to be happy about

1. a boyfriend that loves you

2. family that would actually do anything for you

3. friends-2 friends that you are so blessed to have in your life, and this time last year didn’t even know

3. a light in yourself that has not yet gone out

4. a job where you are appreciated even if you don’t appreciate it

5. almost a year off life-stealing drugs

i expect so much so fast

it hasn’t been a year yet since i stopped spending every penny i had on drugs

and i spent money i didn’t even have yet

in the depths of my addiction, i took out a 12 000 bank loan and my boyfriend and i drained it to survive, in addition to my credit cards

and now i pay for that.

it is depressing.

i work 6 days a week, make enough money for someone to have a decent life and do something exciting now and then

but all the money i make goes towards these bills

i can’t see how it will ever end

i have a new boyfriend now

things are different, better in a lot of ways

he wants many of the same things i want

travel mainly

but i can’t even dream about that anymore

all i can do is work and pay bills

i can’t even buy myself a pair of sneakers

how could i save enough money to travel?

so i feel like a slave to the bank

i don’t know how to keep my chin up when faced with this reality

and i don’t know how to explain to my boyfriend why i am so sad so much of the time